there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
