You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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