You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
