The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
