i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
