She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
