Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
