i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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