I got chris browned last night
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
