I wish I could punch you in the face.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
