I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
