if only i could text you this smell
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
