i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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