i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
