Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize