Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
