Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
