The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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