i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
