this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
