so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
