its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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