I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
