Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
