Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
