My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
