I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
