Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
