Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
