Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i think i just lost a toe
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize