How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
