I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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