The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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