idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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