I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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