I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
