New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
