Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
