The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
