One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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