it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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