I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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