Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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