His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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