im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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