6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize