You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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