The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
