I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Pooping to opera.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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