well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Be still, my beating vagina.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
