I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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