I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
