I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
