it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
