Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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