Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
