Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
