He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
